Where is my mind?

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So, I’ve been meaning to do a blog post for weeks now just because I really prefer sharing about my life here instead of on social media. Twitter, Instagram and Facebook are amazing for being updated on your friends’ lives and for gaining inspiration from people but when free time is filled with scrolling mindlessly through a feed filled with FOMO-inducing pictures of people you barely know having fun or with news that continue to make you question if there’s still hope left for the world.. Well, too much of something will always be unhealthy at some point.
How’s it going? I’m somewhere bleh and meh lately. Life has been comfortably survivable lately but there really isn’t anything that is making me feel alive. I just feel like an empty vessel that consumes natural resources and does things within the day that we’re not even sure if it’s helping with the economy or with the world’s problems. Most of the time, I just wanna lose my consciousness and then stop existing altogether. I’m okay but I don’t know if I want to be here or anywhere else. I wanna go out and explore and experience the outdoors but I also just wanna curl up in a ball in my bed and let myself drown in my thoughts (or in other people’s thoughts as I scroll through Twitter or Reddit or as I unwillingly read a book I’ve been trying to finish for weeks). I’m a big ball of confusing emotions and emptiness. Sometimes they overflow to the point that I become incapable of hiding them and then other times I try so hard to look for them because I get terrified that I might lose my humanity. I am perfectly fine with solitude but my brain keeps on screaming at me because I’m actually lonely and I’m not doing anything about it. I feel great when I go out on my own and watch other people live their lives but I can’t help but feel jealous of people having fun or going out or making friends. Like, am I completely incapable of doing those things? Am I too bland or too weird for people’s tastes? I love the small number of friends that I do have but there’s just so much pressure to go out and party and take adventures that I force to present myself as someone more likable and when I fail to do so, I beat myself up for it. I don’t know. After half a year of moving across the Pacific, I am finally missing home and the human connections I used to have. I don’t care about going out or hanging out with people day in and day out. I just crave real human connections/interactions or genuine friendships right now. Maybe that’s why I like the people that I like but I kind of hate them as well? That doesn’t make sense, does it?

*sigh* Contradictions take over my days and I accept the irony of life, yes I do, but right now I crave stability with small doses of bliss spread out evenly. Please, Universe. I accept the shit that I receive but please put in pockets of happiness and sunshine here and there as well.

Oh! I don’t know if I’ve posted about it here but I’m doing lab work again. Not really work since I’m not getting paid but right now I work at a neuroscience lab at a university near where I live. I am grateful to be surrounded by understanding and intelligent people and it’s amazing to be doing something I like. And it’s neuroscience! I’ve never studied the subject before as an undergrad so I’ve been digesting a few journals and trying to go through a boring textbook so that I could actually understand the research and what the experiments are for. I love working in a lab, though. I can be silent with my own thoughts during waiting times and I missed the frustrations of having a failed experiment.

And since I do need money to save up for my future (and all the other things I’ve bought lately), I’ve been working part time as a barista! The cafe is in a bookstore so we have an employee discount for when I buy more books and just the feeling of being surrounded by books just gets me in a good mood every time I walk in for work. The downside of it, though, is that I’m forced to talk to people and customers even those that I don’t vibe with. I mean I like people and I always focus on the good in them (even though I can see or feel what they’re really about) but I’m also the type of person to be easily annoyed by the smallest of things. It’s such a confusing experience when you like someone but you also low-key hate them just because you’re oversensitive and you feel like everyone’s out there to get you or hate you or ruin your life. So, that’s how I feel about working part-time and I also get the same bad feelings when I’m having a crappy day at the lab. All because I have too much emotions and then I turn into a giant sack of anxiety and self-doubt.

Other than those, I’m still completely lost in life. Which is normal, right? Everyone’s lost, too? But things are gonna be okay, right? It has to be. It’s gonna be. And as long as we’re still having those small doses of happiness from the people we love and from our human experience, everything is probably worth it. I can’t prove that it is but I’m hopeful that it will be. I hope you’re hopeful, too.

Yup, so that’s an update on my well-being and life in general. It’s so rambly and messy that I’m not even gonna bother organizing this. I’m gonna continue posting more pictures from our Ilocos trip in the near future, though! But yeah, if you got to the end of this post, bless you. You are amazing. I’m sorry for wasting your time but I hope you got something good out of this. If you’re having a good day, please tell me about it. I’d love to hear about it. If you’re having a bad day, please also tell me about it. I’d love to help or just provide emotional support. We’re all in this together, okay?

 

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