Introspection

Ah, the wonders of procrastination. I should be studying. I know I should be focused on just studying but instead I get sucked into what I call reddit wormholes where in I get curious about a certain topic and then I feed that curiosity by going on countless Wikipedia pages and Reddit threads. If you think about it, it’s kind of productive but most of the time it just distracts me from what’s really important: the pile of thick textbooks in front of me.

Hello! Today, I’m taking my procrastination into this blog. If you don’t know, I’m currently studying for my Chemist Licensure Exam this October. Study days consist of me sitting in front of my desk for hours and then relocating to the bed for a few more hours with tons of breaksdistractions in between. And during those breaks (and early mornings, too) are when I have my existential crisis. I begin to question myself, the career path I’m planning to take and my abilities or lack thereof. It’s quite rough for me because I tend to be extremely hard on myself. And if I’m not tormenting myself with negative thoughts, I’m overthinking and overanalyzing everything! How I should wear my clothes, what kind of hairstyle suits my face shape, are there cool fashion bloggers who are in the science community, what is sustainable fashion, how much money should I make if I wanna move to Berlin, how much money should I spend… The questions are endless. It’s okay to overthink sometimes but when it prevents you from living your day, it becomes a problem. And I’m like this every single day. And this isn’t because I’m bored or anything.

I just want to completely figure out how to live my life.

Yes, that’s impossible but I can’t help it. I’m a planner and not knowing what is to come or what to expect from the immediate future terrifies me to my very core. So I always make sure there is structure to my every day like the right amount of hours to get ready in the morning, the right amount of snacks, the right amount of coffee, the right amount of every minute little detail in my life. Now, I try to stick to those “guidelines” I have for myself but then I begin to doubt if I planned everything well. Should I  make time to read a book or play a video game? If so, what part of the day should I play? Do I need 30 minutes of exercise or is that too short? It’s really exhausting. I’m tired. I feel like I’m a chill person trapped in the brain of an uptight person. Man, I’m hella lost in this world. There are so many choices to be made and every choice we make has a ripple effect on the rest of our lives. I’m really terrified.

I remember the film Mr. Nobody. It’s basically about the ripple effect of our decisions in life. I don’t know, I feel like I relate so much to that movie right now. Please watch it if you have the time. I didn’t understand it at first but now the movie makes so much sense.

Is overplanning, overthinking, overanalyzing my life bad for me? Or should I try to be more flexible, adaptable, carefree? They’re the kind of people who are more loved, right?

There are so many questions in my head and none of them are about the licensure exam. Some questions are related to the exam, though, like Will I be smart enough to get a decent grade or even pass this exam? Will I stop being stupid? Is chemistry/biochemistry the right career path for me? What should I do if I suck so much at the career that I want? What other career paths are there when I’ve lived my teenage years dreaming of becoming a doctor? Okay so the last ones aren’t exactly related to the exam, oops.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but this post clearly had no flow or sense to it. I just blurted out some contents of my mess of a head. Introspection isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually something that calms me down at times when nothing makes sense or when I have this sense of impending doom. But right now, I’m supposed to be spending the majority of my day studying and focusing on this exam that is starting to give me minor anxiety attacks.

If you read all of this, I don’t know why you would do that. Are you procrastinating as well?? Thank you if you did, though. This blog needed the bitter taste of what’s currently in my head. Have an awesome day and do great things!

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